Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Flash Gordon


Don't take a date. Don't take your kids. Don't take Grandma. If they ever have it on TMC, don't watch.

"Fragments of moon rock!" sez Doctor Zarkov, enjoying the glowing, golf ball-sized object on his floor.

"Strange object in the Imperial vortex!" alerts a ruthless minion of Ming the Merciless as they approach Mongo.

Really cheesy dialogue. Really cheesy costumes. Really cheesy effects. Probably the cheese at dinner is cheesy. I suspect the Empire of Mongo subsists on macaroni and cheese, with an occasional cheeseburger for variety.

Ming the Merciless's daughter wears a diamond-studded booby holder! All the aliens are bilaterally symmetrical, upright bipeds wearing funny costumes, many of which don't allow any freedom of movement. They all speak English too, but, y'know, they all got fonny assents.

Leather short shorts--on Flash?... Gassed!... Saved by the nefarious princess!

"Don't you have telepathy on Earth?" she asks as they flee to Arboria.

Dale makes her getaway! She turns cartwheels when she fights! No idea why. No idea how she was trained into her ninja-like ways. She was introduced in the beginning of the movie as a travel agent.

I do like the booby holders all the babes wear, especially the ones who jiggle. But then I do have pretty low tastes.

I suspect the average IQ in the Empire of Mongo isn't precisely 100.

"A young man is being initiated! But we must hide outside until it's done!" Look out! It's a squishy green scorpion thingy! "Send me on my way!" cries the young victim. "Spare me the madness!"

I' pretty sure that was the only way he could think of to get out of the movie.

"You are playing with fire, Aura!" sez Prince Whatsisname. Oh, yeah. Prince Barin. I forgot from one scene to another. "Of course I am!" Have a fireball?

"We can team up and fight him, Barin!" sez Flash. "Lower them into the swamp!" sez Prince Barin. That sort of thing has ruined so many dinner parties!

"Seize the Imperial surgeon on suspicion of treason!" "You're mad!" "Prepare him for torture!"

"Confess!" "No! Never!" "Bring me the bore worms!" "No! Not the bore worms!"

"Sleep well, you traitor! We hang you in the morning!"

"One year in a cavern of ice will cool her blood!" sez His Majesty the Merciless about his only daughter.

"Do you know where you are?" asks Prince Barin. "Up the creek!" sez Flash, in one of his more memorable witticisms.

"Leave him!" hollers the prince. "He's mine! I hunt him alone!"

"Would you leave us alone?" requests Dale, just before the big fight scene, after Flash smooches her and sez something about their impending children. "Ooh! I just got engaged!"

"You tortured Aura!" sez the prince. "Interesting girl. I think she found it rather enjoyable!" Princess Aura is kind of kinky. You can tell that from the way she does her eyebrows.

"We shall return to the Imperial rocket! Leave the Earthling here to his doom!" That always works, doesn't it?

Dale and Principessa Aura meet as Dale's being prepared for her wedding to Ming the Merciless. Pillow fight ensues!

"Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!" That's Flash, remember? Last seen left to his doom. Or maybe there were a few scenes in there that everyone, including the actors, forgot.

Ummm... The massed forces of the Hawkmen look like flying monkeys? And one of the Hawkmen looks like he used to sing with Spinal Tap.


So Ming the Merciless is gonna marry Dale (rather than just keeping her as a concubine, which was his original intent) and they're playing Mendelssohn at the marriage ritual.

The Imperial engineers are big on single points of failure. And the Imperial Storm Troopers or whatever they are, are just about as good shots as Emperor Palpatine's.


Verdict: Made as a spoof (of some kind, at least I hope it is), Flash doesn't make the "So Bad It's Good" cut. It's the difference between campy and bad. It's one of those movies you walk out of twenty minutes into it, assuming you last that long, so most people don't get to see the predictable ending. Flash is played by Sam J. Jones. I read somewhere that he beat out Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kurt Russell for the part, to their great relief. Dale is played by Melody Anderson, for whom this movie was the peak of her career. I thought until I looked them up that those were assumed names. The film was produced by Dino De Laurentis, who wanted Fellini to direct it. De Laurentiis also considered hiring Sergio Leone to direct it. He should have gone for Terrence Hill, who could at least have made it funny.

As an aside, George Lucas wanted to make Flash Gordon in the 1970s, but de Laurentis had the rights. Instead, he cobbled together something he called Star Wars. 

Honest to God.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Andi's Published


Andi is complete, at 90,440 words.

I was going to go directly with Amazon, but instead I published with Smashwords again. The process is simpler, though the EPUB check is aggravating. The things it finds are the things you have a hard time noticing when writing in Open Office (or in MS Word), like empty blockquotes.

This was a hard book to write, given the gamy subject matter, but I do find the characters likable. I always base my characters on people I've known and liked, just putting them into situations they've never been in.

The books are also coming together better as a series, though I'm going to have to do some serious timelining. I want to use Amazon or maybe Lulu for print versions of all the books, and market them in Jim Thorpe. They'd make nice souvenirs, except maybe for Dolly, but I could market her and maybe the Ben and Lenie book if I ever finish it in Mineral Wells. All I have to do is get off my butt and do it.

For relaxation, I've been watching movies and reading. Arrival (2016) was good. It raises the idea of non-sequential time, which is interesting. In Andi, I suggested that very idea to account for the fact that it didn't take ten years for them to travel ten years into the past, though I lean more toward time stored kind of squished up, like an accordion. That way she can just hop from peak to peak or trough to trough (there wouldn't be an "up" or "down.")

I'm reading Sabatini again, most recently The Lion's Skin. It's one of my three favorites--that and Saint Martin's Summer and Mistress Wilding. That's probably because I'm a romantic at heart.




Thursday, June 27, 2019

Andi's First Draft

Andi's draft is somehow complete, currently around 86,000 words, probably to top out around 90,000. Now I'm going through the tedious part, reading it and re-reading it, until I'm sick of looking at it, tying up loose ends, fixing wording, smoothing the flow. It's basically in three parts:
  • In Part One the long lost lovers are reunited. The multiverse is an idea that's discussed, but neither party really believes in it.
  • In Part Two the honeymooners realize that multiverses are real, and that Andi has the talent for traveling between them.
  • In Part Three Andi knows how it's done and and the newlyweds do it. 
When I started out on it, the parallel universe thing was kind of a throw-away. Then the more I wrote, the more central to the resolution of Andi's problem it became. Funny how that works.

I didn't set out to write a science fiction novel; I set out to write a novel about human trafficking, using the Rotherham scandal as my model. There is lots of material available on Rotherham, and on human trafficking in general, MS-13 and similar gangs in particular. It's really pretty seedy subject matter. I've tried to explore the effects of going through an ordeal like that on an intelligent young woman.

I did have a lot of fun discussing parallel universes and time travel. Does the entire universe clone itself whenever there's a decision point anywhere? If a tree falls in the forest and no one notices, does a new universe still spin off? Will the luck of a fisherman on the Caspian Sea effect the world of a Manhattan socialite? How about something happening in the Lesser Magellanic clouds? In some galaxy that's so far away we can't see it? A single ovum getting fertilized presents millions of alternate chances, one for each spermatozoon, and there are a lot of critters breeding every day, including flies and rabbits.

Then there's the question of a law of conservation of matter, akin to the law of conservation of energy.

What would a person do if he seriously had to travel in time? How would he do it? Where does the money come from? Andi and Elliott only go back a dozen years, but the currency's changed within that time. How do you buy a car? How do you identify yourself to rent an apartment?

Details, details. I've addressed all of them I could think of, and I'll address more as I proof and rewrite, but I'm sure there will be some of them unaddressed when I'm done. The more I think on the problem, the more I'll notice.


Monday, May 6, 2019

Life in the World of IQ 60

Andi's story has reached 66,000 words and is (slowly) building toward the blow-off. It's decided to become very much a science fiction story, and I've tossed in a couple science fictiony jokes to amuse myself and any readers. In the course of all this, I've been to Texas for extended stays twice, had another hip replacement, and done a bunch of other things of a more personal nature. What with writer's block and not being able to properly feel my fingers, I'm surprised that I've gotten this far, given the unpleasant subject matter.

I've come to like Andi. She's smart and tough without (I think) being smart-assed or hard. We've all done stupid things at one time or another; hers were just dumber than most. My premise is that we all make our occasional trips into alternate universes that are so similar we don't really notice the difference. As I've seen it described in other science fiction, a new universe is created whenever there's a decision point reached. One time travel movie I've watched recently (I can't recall the name of it and can't find it browsing my collection) uses that as part of the time machine; the guy has to shoot himself to create the alternate universe where he... does whatever it is he does. I think I said to myself "this is dumb" and put a Clint Eastwood movie on.

What happens if the decision point is in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud somewhere? Does that effect us as well? Or is the effect localized. With, last I saw, 250 billion galaxies, with umpty two gazillion planets in each, many inhabited by some form of life, that represents a lot of binary choices every second of every day. I do have some fun discussion these ideas in the course of the setup.

Beyond whatever that other movie is, Mega Time Squad features time travel via an ancient Chinese bracelet that has what's apparently a battery-powered green lighted button. I'm not sure if it's about time travel--he's able to go ten minutes or so into the past--or if it's about life in a world populated by Three Stooges clones. John, the hero, or I suppose he's an antihero, looks like a skinny New Zealand version of Curly. At one point there are a half dozen versions of him in one place, trying to steal the money from a Chinese gang while being chased by the wily minions of his boss, Shelton. One version is stabbed, one has his throat cut, one has his head blown off by a shotgun, the original "John" doesn't die. John has an IQ of approximately sixty. His girlfriend is a little smarter. The minions are a little dumber. Shelton, the brains of the outfit, may make IQ 70.

As it happens, Andi and Elliott are currently in a similar situation, with four versions of Andi having flinched into the same parallel universe after a traffic accident involving one of the human traffickers from her youth. Andi and Elliott have a lot better understanding of cause and effect, and Elliott has a pretty good (I think) handle on quantum physics and research into the nature of reality. They're now setting up to rescue Jane, actually four Janes, one for each of their baseline universes. It's been fairly writing itself for the past few chapters, so maybe my muse is awake.


Saturday, September 22, 2018

Andi in the Multiverse

I'm around 30.000 words with the adventures of Andi and Elliott. No, I don't have them traveling through alternate universes. That's merely Elliott's approach to helping her assuage her conscience. I've added in Joe King and his wife, retired Philadelphia vice detectives, to track down Janie. I've started doing some serious research into the subject of human trafficking, which is even uglier than I thought it was.

I'm probably beating the horse to death on the subject of sin and redemption, and probably religion is playing a more pronounced role in my characters' lives than is currently fashionable. But without sin there can't be redemption -- we're all imperfect, some moreso than others. Andi is developing as, I think, a likable young woman with a justifiably bad conscience. Elliott has a little complexity to his nature. I don't like making my characters exceptionally rich, but he works hard and comes from a prominent family, which makes knowledge of Andi's past becoming known more of a threat. It also gives him the resources to finance the search for Janie.

As an aside. I want to pull my books from Smashwords, where they sit amidst a pile of junk -- poorly written books, gay and lesbian stuff, "erotica" (that in the heady days of my youth would have been described as pornography), fantasy, and the usual post-apocalyptic vampires. You're known by the company you keep. I'm also looking into getting them into print and marketing them in the Poconos.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Better now, I think

The ideas keep coming, lots of them discarded, but I'm writing again. I'm going to put the books I've written on Amazon, and I'm looking into their "print on demand" option. If I can handle the costs, I'll do that, which'll put my books on paper.

Del and Kenan are now on a ship off Novy Kruz, around the 80,000 word point, heading for the blowoff, if I can keep all the pieces moving right. They're about to take down one bad guy. I still trying to figure why they're not taking down the big bad guy too. I had a reason when I started this part, but I've forgotten what it was.

The book I'm working on now involves Andi and Elliott. They're meeting up after a ten year hiatus. He's a nice fellow, and Andi is a nice girl who wasn't nice in her teen years. She was her brother's personal sex toy from the time she was twelve, and he started renting her out when she was fourteen. When she was sixteen and a half she trafficked, sold off like a cow with her friend Janie, for a life hooking in Amsterdam and Berlin -- from where they could be sold off to any other destination. It's a pretty nasty background.

This demands a lot of character development. Andi's a nice, pretty, intelligent girl, who was led wrong from an early date. She carries an enormous guilt over those teenage years, both for what she did and for the loss of Janie. On a bad day, her self worth is dipping into negatives. When she escapes from her training house, which she doesn't realize was Elliott's doing, she enlists in the Army, trains as a combat medic, and goes to Afghanistan. She reenlists, trains as a practical nurse, and goes back to the 'Stan. When she's discharged, she goes to New Mexico and trains as a registered nurse. So she's actually made something of herself, trying to put the sins of her youth behind her.  Still, she doesn't date, lives a solitary life with her cat in her old student apartment. She's now scared to death of sex and by extension men.

Elliott isn't scared of sex. He's scared for Andi. He was the one who bought out her contract. He had expected to take care of her and assist her in getting her life on track. Instead, she ran off, effectively dropped off the face of the earth. He had thought she was dead, and he had mourned her for ten years, throwing himself into his own work as a micromechanical engineer working in the field of gene surgery. I'm at that point in development now. I'm hoping it will all come together in the end without too much reliance on coincidence, deux ex machina, or space aliens.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Writer's Block


I'm coming out (I think) from an extended writer's block. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing anything, just that I haven't been finishing anything. There's a difference.

I've also been reading, not so much my usual diet, but some amateur attempts, trying to compare the quality of my own writing with others. A part of that's been ego massage -- some of what I've been reading has been outright crap. There's been a continual stream of stories with too many (and too descriptive) sex scenes. There's been lot's of misplaced apostrophe's on display, pronoun approximation, and misspelings. Lots of heroines have been saved by millionaires and vice versa.

On the other hand, there have been a few that I've liked. One is Island Mine, which was recommended by a friend of mine. It's a science fiction story, nicely paced, with sympathetic characters and a nuclear blowoff. Some agent should pick it up and make some money.
How far will governments go when you have something they want? All Waylon Eckermann wanted to do was to go to college and figure out the rest of his life. It wasn't going to be that easy, not even with a little extragalactic help.
Then I read two other stories the same guy wrote and I was disappointed. I hope Island Mine is the third work, and not his first effort.

Tangent by Gina Marie Wylie is nearly as good, though it's fan fiction, using the story line of H. Beam Piper's Lord Kalvan of Otherwhen. It follows a man and four young girls stuck in a world where North America was settled by Indo Europeans, rather than Indians, with a later migration by the redskins so they can be battling the Aztecs.

The Mountain, recommended by a (another) friend, was a surprise, found on an erotica site. There's sex in it, but it's part of the story and it's not described stroke by stroke. It's also part of the story -- they think they're going to freeze to death. It was very well written, nice story line, and well worth the time. It's another story that should make some agent rich.

Then there are my own efforts.

Poor Del's still stuck, as they're about to chase down the criminal mastermind just as the empire is about to strike back. It's time to kill off a few sympathetic characters and I'm hesitating to pull the trigger.

When we went on vacation to Canada last year we stopped at a steakhouse. In a booth behind us there was a deaf old man who'd been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (he was discussing this on his phone so loudly we couldn't hear out own conversation!) So now I'm also writing Grampy, which is his story, set in about a year. He's got the death sentence, and he has a granddaughter Francine, whom he wants to marry his partner, John Ward. Frankie and Johnny don't like each other, so the romance will span the last days of Grampy's life.

Then there's the romance of Lenie and Ben Cooper, back in Palo Pinto County. I think I'm going to change their names, since I started it as a prequel to Dolly of Palo Pinto and now the characters have taken on different personalities and they're strong enough to stand on their own.

I'm also going to rewrite the first part of Mistress Peterson. Actually, I'm going to delete it. The story stands on its own without it, and parts of it would fit in Cinderella and the Devil better.