Don't take a date. Don't take your kids. Don't take Grandma. If they ever have it on TMC, don't watch.
"Fragments of moon rock!" sez Doctor Zarkov, enjoying the glowing, golf ball-sized object on his floor.
"Strange object in the Imperial vortex!" alerts a ruthless minion of Ming the Merciless as they approach Mongo.
Really cheesy dialogue. Really cheesy costumes. Really cheesy effects. Probably the cheese at dinner is cheesy. I suspect the Empire of Mongo subsists on macaroni and cheese, with an occasional cheeseburger for variety.
Ming the Merciless's daughter wears a diamond-studded booby holder! All the aliens are bilaterally symmetrical, upright bipeds wearing funny costumes, many of which don't allow any freedom of movement. They all speak English too, but, y'know, they all got fonny assents.
Leather short shorts--on Flash?... Gassed!... Saved by the nefarious princess!
"Don't you have telepathy on Earth?" she asks as they flee to Arboria.
Dale makes her getaway! She turns cartwheels when she fights! No idea why. No idea how she was trained into her ninja-like ways. She was introduced in the beginning of the movie as a travel agent.
I do like the booby holders all the babes wear, especially the ones who jiggle. But then I do have pretty low tastes.
I suspect the average IQ in the Empire of Mongo isn't precisely 100.
"A young man is being initiated! But we must hide outside until it's done!" Look out! It's a squishy green scorpion thingy! "Send me on my way!" cries the young victim. "Spare me the madness!"
I' pretty sure that was the only way he could think of to get out of the movie.
"You are playing with fire, Aura!" sez Prince Whatsisname. Oh, yeah. Prince Barin. I forgot from one scene to another. "Of course I am!" Have a fireball?
"We can team up and fight him, Barin!" sez Flash. "Lower them into the swamp!" sez Prince Barin. That sort of thing has ruined so many dinner parties!
"Seize the Imperial surgeon on suspicion of treason!" "You're mad!" "Prepare him for torture!"
"Confess!" "No! Never!" "Bring me the bore worms!" "No! Not the bore worms!"
"Sleep well, you traitor! We hang you in the morning!"
"One year in a cavern of ice will cool her blood!" sez His Majesty the Merciless about his only daughter.
"Do you know where you are?" asks Prince Barin. "Up the creek!" sez Flash, in one of his more memorable witticisms.
"Leave him!" hollers the prince. "He's mine! I hunt him alone!"
"Would you leave us alone?" requests Dale, just before the big fight scene, after Flash smooches her and sez something about their impending children. "Ooh! I just got engaged!"
"You tortured Aura!" sez the prince. "Interesting girl. I think she found it rather enjoyable!" Princess Aura is kind of kinky. You can tell that from the way she does her eyebrows.
"We shall return to the Imperial rocket! Leave the Earthling here to his doom!" That always works, doesn't it?
Dale and Principessa Aura meet as Dale's being prepared for her wedding to Ming the Merciless. Pillow fight ensues!
"Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!" That's Flash, remember? Last seen left to his doom. Or maybe there were a few scenes in there that everyone, including the actors, forgot.
Ummm... The massed forces of the Hawkmen look like flying monkeys? And one of the Hawkmen looks like he used to sing with Spinal Tap.
So Ming the Merciless is gonna marry Dale (rather than just keeping her as a concubine, which was his original intent) and they're playing Mendelssohn at the marriage ritual.
The Imperial engineers are big on single points of failure. And the Imperial Storm Troopers or whatever they are, are just about as good shots as Emperor Palpatine's.
Verdict: Made as a spoof (of some kind, at least I hope it is), Flash doesn't make the "So Bad It's Good" cut. It's the difference between campy and bad. It's one of those movies you walk out of twenty minutes into it, assuming you last that long, so most people don't get to see the predictable ending. Flash is played by Sam J. Jones. I read somewhere that he beat out Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kurt Russell for the part, to their great relief. Dale is played by Melody Anderson, for whom this movie was the peak of her career. I thought until I looked them up that those were assumed names. The film was produced by Dino De Laurentis, who wanted Fellini to direct it. De Laurentiis also considered hiring Sergio Leone to direct it. He should have gone for Terrence Hill, who could at least have made it funny.
As an aside, George Lucas wanted to make Flash Gordon in the 1970s, but de Laurentis had the rights. Instead, he cobbled together something he called Star Wars.
Honest to God.
